oct. 22, 2011

Okay today I feel hurt, I feel as if I bore my family when I go to talk to them about how im feeling or just anything they dont give feed back and its like i just wasted my breath talking about nothing and its a big deal. I hate talking about my feelings with pple and I think its cause when ever I tell them how I feel they do its always a problem like im in the wrong for feeling that way when I cant help it. Im just so fed up with it I dont kno what to do and I try talking to my friend about it but its like she dont understand, I like when someone talk back to me and give me ideas and feed back on what I just sad in stead of a "idk" and "thats cool" and "if thats what you want to do" like i didnt just say all of that for and "okay" or anything like that, that hurts to kno that your convos dont mean nothing to you, you might as well say that cause the responds im getting back says that.

okay so I had a wonderful talk with God this morning and read the word and everything even called my mom so I could tell her what I read. And it was about the fruit of your life how you need to check your life, well im thinking everything is going to be cool when I get home but in the back of my mind I knew something was going to be wrong with my mom not that she sounded bad on the phone or nothing cause she didnt, I just had that feeling and I was right get in the car to go home and happy to tell her about what I read and shes now in a bad mood. I dont kno just yet what for or what it is but she asked me what did I have plain today and I told her nothing and she said I was wondering could you and shannon take yanah to thudervally and I go can we take her to the pool? and she had a look on her face as if I asked her that a hundred times already, so I go never mind thudervally it is. Then she go I didnt say nothing I was just saying Brian wanted to see her at the pool for the first time. Well okay thats fine then just say that instead of looking like I commited a crime or something. Then we get to the drive way and she trying to say something to me but where we live cars and trucks come though there all the time and you cant hear when someone is talking to you really so I was like huh?? and she say it again and I still couldnt hear her so I said it again, huh?? and she goes never mind! I tell you when you get in the house so im like okayyy I didnt hear you cause of the trucks. then I go stright up stairs and played my gospel songs and was painting my name. She knocks on my door and said you still didnt tell me (which is what I was telling her I read on the phone) so I said okay you can come in now if you want."well im making my food down stairs" okay well I come to you. I get down stairs and I ask her whats wrong and she tells me that she couldnt get any of her cleaning done and how she so sick of getting up every morning just to clean and its getting on her nerves. Okay I try to help her as much as posible to clean so there will be no fussing or anything in this house. But I didnt say anything at all I just kelp lisning. Then she goes but im okay what was it you wanted to tell me? so I told her I would tell her in the car. cause she had asked me if I wanted to go with her to get my sister shannon. well we in the car and I start reading her what I read and then she tells me that its just like this movie we all watched the other day and then shannon gets in the car so we stop talking about it. I made sure I said hi to shannon when she got in the car and then she told me that she had on my legins and that she would wash them and give them back to me. Okay I dont like when she goes in my room and takes things of mine but I didnt let it bother me much. I was just quiet in the car. What was there to say?? so then my mom goes whats wrong with you? so I said nothing im just sitting here quiet I dont kno what you want me to say. And then she goes Nothing, Nothing at all. OKAYYY..... so I go to my room when we get home like we always do and im playing my music and singing and deisha (my friend) calls me and tells me about whats going on with her and im helping her out and then when I get off the phone with her my mom sends me a txt saying "What in the world happened just that quick? U and your sister have not seen each other all day and u said not two words. we just talked about bearing fruit and the fruit that we carry and then this? I promise Im not fussing Im just real confused." so then I call her and say what in the would did I do? I just went to my room like we always do and im not the one that has something wrong with them you was upset not me. Then she said i shouldnt have asked. I wont say nothing no more. then she goes bye. so I said bye and then hung up. Then thats when she sends me another txt saying "bearing fruit.... and I said to her "sry if I confused you." and then that was it. Im just so sick of this family taking things out on one another, It just gets old. And its not one of us its all of us.

todays feelings

Wow!! today is just so crazy already like first of all mom dont act like she wants to be around me or shannon anymore and thats making me want to be out the house even more. Im sick of stressing and bitting my touge for other people feelings, like im not happy in this house at all anymore it sucks to be around people that stays on the phone all the time that you cant even get one word out to them, or people stressed all the time so you got to be carful about wat you say to people now. Theres just no happiness anymore and im trying really hard to stay and to be positive its just really hard to do when you not surounded by positive people! UGH!!!! im so feed up with it all.

I get so angry at myself for letting people walk all over me and I dont do nothing about it. I tell myself everyday that I will never let anyone else walk over me and get away with it anymore, for an example I have this friend and she love to call on me when she need help with her problems. When im done helping her with that problem its like I dont hear from her anymore, then I try to txt, call, and /or tweet her she still dont reply to any of them so I always talk to God and my mom about how im not going to let her walk on me anymore and im not going to txt her when she do txt me or answer her call when she do call. I would say to them I was done, but as soon as I see shes txtin me or callin me I will always answer and then tell myself that she was doing something at the time and now shes not so tied up. But deep down I kno that she would be with her boyfriend and that she didnt want to talk to me or be around me untill she needed my help with her problems or want to come over to waste time to go get him from work. So I cant be mad at no one but myself. But I can get mad at the fact that when I got to someone to talk to them about it I dont need them to yell at me about it cause that will only make me shut them out completely. I just need you to talk to me about wat I should do. Im so bored in my life that its crazy! I respond back cause I want my friend back, I respond back cause when no one else want to hang I have that person to hang with. Not that im using them I really want to hang with them and I just get happy that I was on there mind to hangout. Thats how I see it . I dont have anyone to talk too and its really bugging me like crazy!! I cant exspess myself to people anymore and thats frustsrating! I would love to call onpon people and just tell them what im going thou for that day or just to talk too and hang out or something. IDK im just super frustsrated... But the good thing is im not alone really cause I have God to help me out. It would just be nice to have just one friend that want push me to the side then dust me off when they want to play with me again thats all im saying I guess.

Be yourself

I've been called wired and unnormal and everything but I just call myself unique. I love being silly, singing all the time and dancing all over the place, thats just me. I love to live my life to the fullest and have fun, being uptight is not my style, so if you dont like it, hun... you dont have to be around me, it really wont hurt my feelings. Thats a nice way I can put it. Sorry I choose not to live in this world where theres people unhappy all the time and people fighting consistently. I been through enough unhappiness and its time to change that. I love to wake up in the morning say im going to have a great day today and then it turns out to be the bes, and speaking positive energy in my life. Thats just who I am and im learning to love every bit of me. Just wanted to share :))

My Journey

I have decited to move to California this summer, but for now it may be put back just a lil longer. I was disappointed when I heared the news, but then I had to think God may have put back the moment for a reason, like maybe he's giving me time to lost a little more weight and to save more money for my big day and to get me and my mind prepared for it all. Also to get even more closer to him cause I kno I want to be more independed and I kno when I dont have anyone to talk to I want to kno that I can call upon him and that he will answer my cry, cause I said I want that relationship with him. To be closer to him to smell him when I go to sleep to run to him when im happy or sad (doesnt matter) just to be with him, cause thats what he wants and thats what I want :)) So like I said in my tweet some change is good change, and im happy for my change im just waiting on my big change :))

                                                                     Love always B. White :))

Feb. 20

Today I was feeling a little down, I just been thinking that I dont want me and deisha to end bad that we cant go by each other and say hey or anything like that. I want to move on I think it would be best for us to do so, I just dont want us to be rude to each other or talk behide each other backs, Even though I want do that cause I havent yet.. or at lest I tried not. But my friend today sent me this message and it was very helpful, it was a scripture :)) that made me understand that even though people change it doesnt mean that our love for them have too. I have a whole new way of looking at things now. Im trying my hardest to stay doing the right things cause I want the best for myself, but I cant stay where I was, like thinking about things that I cant control or holding on to things thats tring to move on. I kno now that moving on my be the best thing for you and the other person. All I kno is that its all in God's hands I cant worry about it no longer cause I did all I can do. Stay happy and positive about life, keep a smile in your heart :))

Happiness

Getting my happiness back by praising God and giving him my all. I started talking to him more about every little thing that enters my head :). I also started trying to put the past right where it needs to stay... the past. Im learning more and more thats its not about me or anybody eles.... its all about Him :). Im becoming happier by doing what i always wanted to do the most and thats being myself and setting goals for myself and going though with my goals. Im also more happier cause I put a stop to people that try to run my life or boss me around and me not saying no to the things I just didnt want to do, because I was too busy trying to make everybody else happy. I just put God in everything I do.... and I mean everything :))

Feb. 4 today feelings

Today I was feeling like im never goin to get my savings to where I want it. I dont want to start thinking negative when I been positive since Jan. 1 and I dont want to go back to the negative ways at all, so Lord im asking you to strength my faith up again. Also I wish that I would have known about the taxes cause now im lost on what things mean and everything. I pray that next year will be nothing like this year with the taxes as I want to do everything right so that I want have to pay anything at the end of the year, and so that I will be able to get money back. I just want to do the right thing thats all and understand everything I do so that im not just agreeing to something that will get me in trouble or me not getting anythng back. So I pray that when I get back to work that I will tell them the right things so that I will clam no one on my taxes so I can be able to get my money the way that I should, and that I will not take in anything that they tell me but to stand up and let them kno that its not up to them but me.

Feeling today

 Today was not a great day for me, my family is going though some stuff and I dont like to see my mom stressing or down. I just been feeling that I just cant relate with my friends anymore. And I just dont know where to start on saving money for cali. or study for my driving stuff. I been happy and strong and thankful for everything I have and im trying my hardest today to stay positive and keep my head up for my family but I just been down today. So I pray that my night is better for me and my family and so that my baby sister feels better :) I love seeing my family happy and stress free. So I pray for my aunt and uncal and my mom, me, shannon (my sister) and brian. That we all find happiness and not to worry about what people say or think. :)

Prayer

I pray for my aunt and my uncal, they goin thou some stuff with money and so is my family. I just want to pray that the storm will be over soon so that we can better ourself more, no more worrying or stressing about money or anything. help us to be strong Lord, and to stick with each other. I claim happiness :)

SISTER LOVE

Hahha... what to say about my sister... We love to be down each other throat lol. Nah but theres nothing i wouldnt do for this girl i love her sooo much and im going to miss her soo much!! Just to have someone to play fight with and just to make me laugh when all I want to do is stay upset lol. I going to miss having her around me and just to talk when we really need each other. When we are around each other all we do is fight but when i go my way and she goes her's we will miss each other dearly, and cry for each other lol. But i will be on the phone with her everyday i just kno i will cant wait though.. :))) LOVE YOU SIS!!!

Jazmine Sullivan - Dream Big

Im dreaming big going to California! Thats one of my dreams :)) cant wait! claming and want stop ;))

Keri Hilson - Fearless

im in love with this song. but in not talkin about a boy im talkin about not being a fraid of being me and doin what i love to do and going where i love :)

Getting Focused

The way I get focus is by praying daily and reading the word. I try to read every morning before i do anything else and read in the afternoons after work and right before I go to bed. Im starting to put God first in everythig I say and do, I try my hardest to do that now. I also try to start my day positive by saying today is going to be an great day, speak it in to reality. Im now learning to lay down my excuses, I cant, I won't, or I dont know how, and do what I can do to serve the Lord. God can give me what I dont have. All I need to do is be willing to do it.

CALIFORNIA =D

Ever since I went to California in 2003 I LOVED it lol. I just thought I would have lots of stuff to do whenever I would get bored. Now im 20 years old and I just don't feel that Virginia is the place for me anymore. I feel like a little kid still that's to short to reach her goals. I pray that when (Not If) when I go and find my school and a place to live I will love every min. and feel great about my choose. I pray that I will not be any trouble to my aunt Robyn and uncal Marc. I pray that I will become more of an independent woman as I prepar for this move. :) I AM CLAMING this in the name of JESUS. Aman. I am goin in the summer of 2011 and cant wait :). I will missss my mom and them so very much but I will not sit in saddness no more. I am very happy with the choose that I have made, and that choose is to move there :)))

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! :)

 Happy New Years everyone! :) i started my new years right by thankin the Lord for letting me and my fam[ily] see another year. I was not feeling well today but i didnt let that stop me from celebrating the new year :) This is my and my fam[ily] year to better our lifes and selfs and im soooo happy and ready for it. To become closer with God and with our love ones :) to see more of our fam[ily] this year and enjoy one another. So i cant wait to see what this year brings. I pray yall have a safe night and a bless year love.