oct. 22, 2011

Okay today I feel hurt, I feel as if I bore my family when I go to talk to them about how im feeling or just anything they dont give feed back and its like i just wasted my breath talking about nothing and its a big deal. I hate talking about my feelings with pple and I think its cause when ever I tell them how I feel they do its always a problem like im in the wrong for feeling that way when I cant help it. Im just so fed up with it I dont kno what to do and I try talking to my friend about it but its like she dont understand, I like when someone talk back to me and give me ideas and feed back on what I just sad in stead of a "idk" and "thats cool" and "if thats what you want to do" like i didnt just say all of that for and "okay" or anything like that, that hurts to kno that your convos dont mean nothing to you, you might as well say that cause the responds im getting back says that.

okay so I had a wonderful talk with God this morning and read the word and everything even called my mom so I could tell her what I read. And it was about the fruit of your life how you need to check your life, well im thinking everything is going to be cool when I get home but in the back of my mind I knew something was going to be wrong with my mom not that she sounded bad on the phone or nothing cause she didnt, I just had that feeling and I was right get in the car to go home and happy to tell her about what I read and shes now in a bad mood. I dont kno just yet what for or what it is but she asked me what did I have plain today and I told her nothing and she said I was wondering could you and shannon take yanah to thudervally and I go can we take her to the pool? and she had a look on her face as if I asked her that a hundred times already, so I go never mind thudervally it is. Then she go I didnt say nothing I was just saying Brian wanted to see her at the pool for the first time. Well okay thats fine then just say that instead of looking like I commited a crime or something. Then we get to the drive way and she trying to say something to me but where we live cars and trucks come though there all the time and you cant hear when someone is talking to you really so I was like huh?? and she say it again and I still couldnt hear her so I said it again, huh?? and she goes never mind! I tell you when you get in the house so im like okayyy I didnt hear you cause of the trucks. then I go stright up stairs and played my gospel songs and was painting my name. She knocks on my door and said you still didnt tell me (which is what I was telling her I read on the phone) so I said okay you can come in now if you want."well im making my food down stairs" okay well I come to you. I get down stairs and I ask her whats wrong and she tells me that she couldnt get any of her cleaning done and how she so sick of getting up every morning just to clean and its getting on her nerves. Okay I try to help her as much as posible to clean so there will be no fussing or anything in this house. But I didnt say anything at all I just kelp lisning. Then she goes but im okay what was it you wanted to tell me? so I told her I would tell her in the car. cause she had asked me if I wanted to go with her to get my sister shannon. well we in the car and I start reading her what I read and then she tells me that its just like this movie we all watched the other day and then shannon gets in the car so we stop talking about it. I made sure I said hi to shannon when she got in the car and then she told me that she had on my legins and that she would wash them and give them back to me. Okay I dont like when she goes in my room and takes things of mine but I didnt let it bother me much. I was just quiet in the car. What was there to say?? so then my mom goes whats wrong with you? so I said nothing im just sitting here quiet I dont kno what you want me to say. And then she goes Nothing, Nothing at all. OKAYYY..... so I go to my room when we get home like we always do and im playing my music and singing and deisha (my friend) calls me and tells me about whats going on with her and im helping her out and then when I get off the phone with her my mom sends me a txt saying "What in the world happened just that quick? U and your sister have not seen each other all day and u said not two words. we just talked about bearing fruit and the fruit that we carry and then this? I promise Im not fussing Im just real confused." so then I call her and say what in the would did I do? I just went to my room like we always do and im not the one that has something wrong with them you was upset not me. Then she said i shouldnt have asked. I wont say nothing no more. then she goes bye. so I said bye and then hung up. Then thats when she sends me another txt saying "bearing fruit.... and I said to her "sry if I confused you." and then that was it. Im just so sick of this family taking things out on one another, It just gets old. And its not one of us its all of us.

todays feelings

Wow!! today is just so crazy already like first of all mom dont act like she wants to be around me or shannon anymore and thats making me want to be out the house even more. Im sick of stressing and bitting my touge for other people feelings, like im not happy in this house at all anymore it sucks to be around people that stays on the phone all the time that you cant even get one word out to them, or people stressed all the time so you got to be carful about wat you say to people now. Theres just no happiness anymore and im trying really hard to stay and to be positive its just really hard to do when you not surounded by positive people! UGH!!!! im so feed up with it all.

I get so angry at myself for letting people walk all over me and I dont do nothing about it. I tell myself everyday that I will never let anyone else walk over me and get away with it anymore, for an example I have this friend and she love to call on me when she need help with her problems. When im done helping her with that problem its like I dont hear from her anymore, then I try to txt, call, and /or tweet her she still dont reply to any of them so I always talk to God and my mom about how im not going to let her walk on me anymore and im not going to txt her when she do txt me or answer her call when she do call. I would say to them I was done, but as soon as I see shes txtin me or callin me I will always answer and then tell myself that she was doing something at the time and now shes not so tied up. But deep down I kno that she would be with her boyfriend and that she didnt want to talk to me or be around me untill she needed my help with her problems or want to come over to waste time to go get him from work. So I cant be mad at no one but myself. But I can get mad at the fact that when I got to someone to talk to them about it I dont need them to yell at me about it cause that will only make me shut them out completely. I just need you to talk to me about wat I should do. Im so bored in my life that its crazy! I respond back cause I want my friend back, I respond back cause when no one else want to hang I have that person to hang with. Not that im using them I really want to hang with them and I just get happy that I was on there mind to hangout. Thats how I see it . I dont have anyone to talk too and its really bugging me like crazy!! I cant exspess myself to people anymore and thats frustsrating! I would love to call onpon people and just tell them what im going thou for that day or just to talk too and hang out or something. IDK im just super frustsrated... But the good thing is im not alone really cause I have God to help me out. It would just be nice to have just one friend that want push me to the side then dust me off when they want to play with me again thats all im saying I guess.

Be yourself

I've been called wired and unnormal and everything but I just call myself unique. I love being silly, singing all the time and dancing all over the place, thats just me. I love to live my life to the fullest and have fun, being uptight is not my style, so if you dont like it, hun... you dont have to be around me, it really wont hurt my feelings. Thats a nice way I can put it. Sorry I choose not to live in this world where theres people unhappy all the time and people fighting consistently. I been through enough unhappiness and its time to change that. I love to wake up in the morning say im going to have a great day today and then it turns out to be the bes, and speaking positive energy in my life. Thats just who I am and im learning to love every bit of me. Just wanted to share :))

My Journey

I have decited to move to California this summer, but for now it may be put back just a lil longer. I was disappointed when I heared the news, but then I had to think God may have put back the moment for a reason, like maybe he's giving me time to lost a little more weight and to save more money for my big day and to get me and my mind prepared for it all. Also to get even more closer to him cause I kno I want to be more independed and I kno when I dont have anyone to talk to I want to kno that I can call upon him and that he will answer my cry, cause I said I want that relationship with him. To be closer to him to smell him when I go to sleep to run to him when im happy or sad (doesnt matter) just to be with him, cause thats what he wants and thats what I want :)) So like I said in my tweet some change is good change, and im happy for my change im just waiting on my big change :))

                                                                     Love always B. White :))

Feb. 20

Today I was feeling a little down, I just been thinking that I dont want me and deisha to end bad that we cant go by each other and say hey or anything like that. I want to move on I think it would be best for us to do so, I just dont want us to be rude to each other or talk behide each other backs, Even though I want do that cause I havent yet.. or at lest I tried not. But my friend today sent me this message and it was very helpful, it was a scripture :)) that made me understand that even though people change it doesnt mean that our love for them have too. I have a whole new way of looking at things now. Im trying my hardest to stay doing the right things cause I want the best for myself, but I cant stay where I was, like thinking about things that I cant control or holding on to things thats tring to move on. I kno now that moving on my be the best thing for you and the other person. All I kno is that its all in God's hands I cant worry about it no longer cause I did all I can do. Stay happy and positive about life, keep a smile in your heart :))